Trump (US): Gentlemen, had to mute the group. Since the huge win, my notifications have experienced a tremendous surge.
Mugabe (Zimbabwe): It is ok Donald, we are proud of you.
Jammeh (The Gambia): Yes, we are.
Biya (Cameroon): Shut up, Jammeh. You should be removed from this group.
Mugabe: Biya, relax my brother. What would you have done in Jammeh’s position? ECOWAS troops were coming for him.
Trump: What is ECOWAS?
Biya: Mugabe, I guess you are right.
Jammeh: Shut up my friend. Your elections are coming next year and you will soon join me here. Keep talking rubbish there.
Biya: That is why your useless country did not qualify for AFCON.
Trump: What is ECOWAS?
Mugabe: Donald, it seems you are making progress on your wall against Mexico, good man, but I don’t understand the way you are paying for it.
Trump: Neither do I, but it’s going to be a very beautiful wall.
Biya: Yes, but can you not just print money and pay for it?
Trump: I can do that?
Jammeh: Can you not?
Trump: What is ECOWAS? Can they pay for it?
Jammeh: Donald, what is wrong with the women in your country, just allowing them to march anyhow. This is not the way.
Biya: Jammeh, leave the women alone, Cameroon has the best women’s rights in Africa.
Mugabe: Biya, that is an Alternative Fact
Jammeh: Donald, I am angry at you, my orange brother.
Biya: What did he do?
Jammeh: Biya, shut up, men are talking.
Biya: Is that an executive order? No wait, you don’t have any more executive power. Jesus is lord.
Trump: Biya, very impressive joke. Extremely strong joke.
Jammeh: Donald, why are you deporting all the Muslims from America?
Trump: Muslims are bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists and some I assume are good people.
Biya: I thought that was the Mexicanos
Trump: Gentlemen, Melania looks like she’s smiling, something must be wrong, I have to go.
Jammeh: Ok Donald, tell Melania she belongs in your kitchen and bedroom.
Biya: Be quoting Buhari there, that is why you don’t have any executive power haha.
Putin: Very good discussion gentlemens, let us meet for vodka drink.
Mugabe: V, you’ve been here the entire time?
Jammeh: But your name doesn’t show up on the list of the group chat.
Putin: We have best hackers in world.
Mugabe: Very cunning bastard this Putin is.
Putin: Ok, I go work out now on horse.
Snowden: The world must see this exchange.
Chinua Hemingways is a writer based in Houston, Texas. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.