1. You have a feeling his family is lame. Because if you’re really being honest with yourself, anyone who could’ve produced a guy who loves Fall Out Boy this much at the age of 28 is probably not worth meeting.
2. You’ve already met his family and once was enough. His mom just stared at you while drinking white wine, his dad asked you about something that you’re pretty sure was a European sport, and his brother threw up on your jacket. It was just a Wednesday. No holiday. Just Wednesday.
3. You don’t want to have to explain to your family what the deal with Dave is because even you don’t know the answer to that. “It’s complicated” is not the introduction they’re hoping for and you’re starting to hate that it’s your go-to.
4. He’s one of those people who puts marshmallows in his Thanksgiving sweet potato mash. My coworker said this was heinous and maybe he’s right, so if you agree, then maybe end it now?
5. You hate the way he chews. If you hate the way he scarfs pizza rolls, just imagine how you’ll feel watching him go in on eight courses. The answer is: “like we should’ve ended this in early November.”
6. He likes to watch the parade and you’re like, seriously, dude? It’s just a parade. If you love watching the parade and you’re both like, “Yay, parades,” cool. But if he’s a major parade person who will subject you to three hours of “Oh my god, it’s Snoopy! As a balloon!” when you’re sleeping off a turkey coma in peace, you could probably shut it down to avoid that ahead of time. Even if not a breakup, just some time off.
7. He loves football and you do not. See above, but substitute hours of watching a game you do not care about or just sitting in the other room feeling like a ’50s housewife with a zany husband she’s kind of grown to hate. Skip.
8. His family doesn’t drink at all and you’re like the Amy Schumer of drinking. Seriously, you have to love someone a lot if your idea of a holiday is getting drunk and watching cartoons, and his idea of a holiday is sitting silently drinking Earl Grey tea while listening to the news. If you don’t love him that amount, have that talk.
9. His family lives nearby and yours doesn’t, yet he hasn’t invited you to Thanksgiving.Look, if it’s been, like, three weeks since you met, I can get him not inviting you because that could seem like things are moving too fast, but if it’s been a while since you started dating or you’re super close, and he didn’t even float the idea past you so you could pretend you didn’t want to intrude, dump him.
10. You’re not even sure if you want to see him next Saturday. We’ve all dated that guy who we kind of “played it by ear with” aka “kept dating for pretty much no reason except one big reason and it’s usually sex.” That guy does not need to also be your Holiday Guy.
11. Every time you talk to your friends about him, it’s basically a Comedy Central roast. Everyone’s pretty much counting down the minutes until you call them and say, “So I dumped Brian,” and they say, “Finally. Wait … was Brian the one we make fun of?”
12. You still think about how great your ex was around the holidays. In general, fantasizing about a guy you are not currently dating when you are dating someone else is a solid sign you shouldn’t plan on chilling with matching Christmas sweaters together.
13. He didn’t even ask you what your plan was for Thanksgiving. So now you’re just stuck in this bizarre middle place where you’re both acting like this isn’t a national holiday that everyone talks about and usually spends with family or boyfriends. End this madness.